Chance or Choice?
by MJlang
Summary: The night of the Winter Formal, told in both Matty and Jenna's perspective.


**Disclaimer's Note:**

I do not own _MTV_'S Awkward.

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><p>I had never intended on hurting Jenna, and as I tightly held onto the wheel of my Chevy, driving as quickly as I could to the Winter Formal, I knew that I needed to tell her that. Because even if she hated me, even if she no longer wanted anything to do with me, even if there was nothing left to salvage of our relationship, she still needed to hear the truth – that I, Matty McKibben, was madly in love with her, Jenna Hamilton.<p>

When I opened the doors to the gymnasium, I was immediately greeted by a few of my friends from the football team and their cheerleader girlfriends. I tried to be friendly by greeting them back, but I honestly couldn't have cared less. There was only one person on my mind right now, and until I found her, nothing else seemed to matter. A slow song started to play as I aimlessly searched for her. There must have been at least three hundred other people inside of the gym, but that wouldn't stop me from finding her. Up until that fateful summer night in the supply closet, I had truly believed I was content in having meaningless flings with all the different girls who had lusted for me since before I could even remember. Jenna Hamilton was supposed to have been just another one of those girls, just another name on a list I could cross off. But, I was stupid to have thought that, because she ended up being so much more.

When I finally saw her standing forty feet away from me, the world seemed to stop, and all that existed was her and my eyes staring at her. Everything about her tonight was beautiful – from her simple red dress; to her long, silky brown hair that fell down in a cascade of delicate curls; to her simple but elegant jewelry; to her makeup that emphasized her deep brown eyes that had been sparkling and shimmering the entire night.

I started to make my way to her again, walking past a sea of unfamiliar faces. Nothing would ruin this moment. But when my heart dropped to my stomach, I realized just how wrong I was.

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><p>"Do you think things happen by chance or choice?"<p>

"In what way?"

"Fate. Do you believe in fate?"

"I don't know. Considering you're here with me, right now, it means the universe must be working in my favor."

My eyes flickered down to his lips. They were already spread out into that pearly white grin of his, and I felt my heart soaring at the knowledge that it was just for me, Jenna Hamilton. My eyes flickered back up to his eyes and I realized how easy it was to get lost in them. They weren't just any kind of blue. They were they kind of blue that looked like the sea on those nice, warm summer days; the kind of blue that shined so bright it made other people want to smile, even when there was nothing to smile about; the kind of blue that me made me feel safe and secure, even when everything around me wasn't.

He pulled me to him, letting go of one of my hands and lifting up my arm, spinning me under it. He took hold of both my hands again and we moved together, then apart. We continued to dance, spinning around the room, doing stupid little dances and swaying that didn't quite fit with the beat. Both of us had ear-to-ear smiles on our faces, and both of us were laughing. It didn't even matter that we looked stupid. We were free.

As we danced, we kept on moving closer and closer, until our faces were eventually only a few inches apart. I felt nervous and dizzy and nauseous and anxious all at the same time. Then, he leaned over, pulled me towards him, and kissed me. Before I had any time to react, I was kissing Jake back, winding my fingers through his soft blonde hair, my eyes closed. I eventually pulled back when I realized I didn't want things to go any further. It wasn't that I didn't like Jake, because I do. I just don't want what we have to be like what I had with Matty.

My heart plummeted at the very thought of Matty McKibben. For the briefest of moments, I had managed to forget about the boy of my obsession.

And just when I thought I was finally getting over him, I saw him standing forty feet away.

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><p>I knew that I deserved this. This was the punishment I got for chasing after all those other girls, only to realize the one I really wanted was Jenna, and then letting her slip away as I messed up yet again. I didn't fight for her while I still had the chance, and it was no one's fault but mine that I had lost the girl of my dreams to Jake.<p>

I didn't know what to do, or say, so I just stood there, frozen and mute, as I watched them. They seemed to go on kissing for hours before they decided they needed air and pulled away. When Jenna finally lifted her head up, she saw that I was looking at her, and the prettily boxed corsage in my hand suddenly felt heavier. I couldn't help thinking about how my brother told me that "McKibbens were winners," and how, in that moment, it didn't feel like that.

Jake frowned when he saw that Jenna's eyes had wandered off to someone that wasn't him. He turned around to see what had caught her attention, and when he saw it was me, his best friend, he looked somewhat relieved. He grinned, grabbed her hands, and quickly walked towards me. "Hey, dude," he chirped gleefully. "I'm really stoked you made it. Who'd you come with?"

"Nobody," I answered quietly.

Jake looked surprised, rightly so, because he knew how popular I used to be with the opposite sex. "What happened?"

"You don't know what to know."

"I do.''

I was surprised that Jenna had spoken up; especially when I had been so sure that she never wanted to speak to me again. "I was planning on taking this girl," I began, "this great girl. And things got complicated and I was trying not to hurt someone else, but I ended up hurting her. I didn't think she was going to come, so I went to her house, but her dad told me that she was here."

"Well where is she?" Jake asked.

"She's with another guy."

"Ah, dude…that sucks," he grimaced, shaking his head in an equal mix of brotherly compassion and sympathy. Then, suddenly, his blue eyes went bright, and a brilliant idea formed in his mind. "You should definitely steal her away!"

"I think it's too late." I turned to her, my eyes pleading. "What do you think, Jenna? Is it too late?"

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><p>"What do you think, Jenna? Is it too late?"<p>

We stood there, the two of us, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.

I had foolishly believed that just because I had buried our relationship, it would magically stop existing. But it hadn't. Those feelings, they'd been there along, always, and I had to face them. He was a part of my DNA now – just like I had brown hair or brown eyes or a small heart-shaped birthmark, I would always have Matty McKibben in my heart. He'd been my first kiss, my first time, my first date, my first boyfriend, my first true love, and most of all, my first heartbreak.

Looking at him, I knew what I wanted to say. _No, Matty. It's not too late. I forgive you and I still love you and I probably always will. _But after all that happened between us, it seemed impossible to do that. How could I when I wasn't even sure if I could look at him the same way again? Or if I could even be that same girl again – the one who came back running every time he pushed me away, the one who loved him anyways?

In the end, it came down to a decision between my heart and my heart. I went my hand.

"I'm so sorry. I think you're right, it's too late."

He looked at me sadly, and all I wanted to do was remember him exactly as he was right then and there in that moment of time. I wanted to remember how the corner of his lips weren't turned up into my favorite slightly crooked grin or how dark his blue eyes were under the pale fluorescent lighting. I wanted to memorize every mesmerizing detail of him, in all of his tall, welt-built, handsome glory. But before I had the chance, he was gone, walking out on me for the last time.

The thought of never being with him again had never crossed my mind before this very second, and it hurt. It hurt like nothing I've ever known. I desperately wanted to cry out his name and run to him, tell him anything that would make him stay. Because, this time, it really felt final. This time, I knew that we wouldn't be running back to each other like we had all those times before.

I had finally made my choice and so had he. Matty was letting me go, and in a way, I was relieved that I was finally free which I had expected. But what I hadn't been planning on was feeling this much grief.

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><p>The truth was, the second I watched her grab Jake's hand, I knew it was all over.<p>

"_And sophomore prince is…Matty McKibben!"_

I could vaguely hear my name being called for Winter Formal Prince and everyone clapping and screaming, but it barely registered in my mind. Everything felt so wrong, and the only thing I could focus on was how close they were and how their fingers were intertwined and how happy they looked being with each other. _It_ _should have been me_, I kept on thinking, _it should be me that's with her right now. I'm the one who loved her first._

We might've fought before, but I knew it was different this time. I had been wrong. There wasn't any fixing what we'd done – what_ I_ had done. The words she had said to me only a few hours were still fresh in my memory and it amazed me how a strand of words, when said by the right person in the right sequence, could cause so much pain. It made me want to regret meeting her. It made me want to regret loving her. It made me want to regret that summer night in the supply closet that had been the start to of all these problems. But how could you regret one of the best nights of your life? You couldn't. You remembered every word, every look, every touch, every moment. Even when it hurt, you remembered.

I tossed the corsage in the trash, and opened the door. But before I left, I couldn't help looking at her one last time, hoping that she might change her mind – yet knowing that she wouldn't.


End file.
